“Why me?” to My Why

There is a technique used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called “reframing.” Reframing is the act of identifying automatic thoughts and replacing them with more reality based thoughts. This technique can be used to help improve mindset and expectations, and without fear of sounding a bit dramatic, reframing can change our lives.

In July of 2020, in the midst of the COVID pandemic, I began working with Shady Grove Fertility, after several years of trying to conceive (TTC). As a healthy 26 year old, it was shocking to me that it was necessary for me to engage in fertility treatment. I always dreamed of having a family and being a mom, so I was willing to do whatever I could to make those dreams come true. Although I was determined as all get out, it didn’t stop thoughts of “why me?”

Throughout my journey, I experienced a variety of emotions (and no it wasn’t all because of the extra hormones)! The emotions included sadness, excitement, anger, despair, disappointment, defeat, and hope. Just to name a few. Prior to going through fertility treatment, I had always had a false sense of control. This caused a lot of anxiety throughout my life and during the majority of my treatment. At some point during treatment, I found myself needing to reframe my thoughts to be able to survive and be present. I often had to work to reframe with the goal of holding onto hope in our process and self compassion for my body.

I recall reflecting on the love and grace shown to us by loved ones and friends. Despite the support provided, I remember feeling isolated and wondering what it was like for people who had minimal support in the way they needed it during their fertility journey. Often people would try to instill hope by saying things like “it will happen when it’s supposed to” and “maybe it’s not your time yet and it will happen when it is.” And I remember feeling such anger and resentment, regardless of the supportive intent.

After a long journey and a lot of self reflection, I realized that at some point I had stopped wondering why this was happening to me and instead acknowledging this was my why. I will never forget the conversation I had with a trusted colleague and friend, in full tears no doubt, when I said to her “I think this is what I’m supposed to do.” In our field, it is often asked of us why we do what we do. For all the years prior to 2020, my answer had always been “I like to help people, I enjoy conversation and I’m a good listener.” To be honest with you, it always felt like it wasn’t good enough. I felt compelled to help people but I never truly felt my purpose until I started working with my first client with fertility challenges. I could relate to her unlike any other client I had ever worked with and my knowledge around the process of fertility treatment felt empowering in a way I can’t quite describe. Though I don’t necessarily believe clinicians need to have similar experiences to their clients in order to be effective in their work, I found that my drive and passion for working with the clients embarking on their fertility journey, clients focused on perinatal health, and moms of all kinds was more fulfilling than any other population I worked with in the past.

I believe that my fertility journey provided me with many things I needed that I would have never known otherwise. I needed to give up my need to control all things. I needed to have compassion for myself and allow myself to have realistic expectations. I needed to believe that I could do hard things. And I needed to find my why.

As a mom of a sweet 1 year old IVF baby, my why has never been more clear. I’m here for moms that are just starting to explore the idea of taking on that role, the moms who have lost, the moms who are struggling, the moms who do it all and need a place to not do anything, the moms who need connection and normalization of the hardships (and amazing moments) of parenthood, and every other kind of mom in between.

Being able to reframe “why me” to “my why” was life changing for me. If you haven’t tried it, I highly suggest it!